“He Was Left Holding Our Baby in the Corner”: When Your Partner or Family Saw the Haemorrhage
In this article
This article is for the person who stood in the corner. The partner holding a newborn while the room filled with people. The mum or mother-in-law who wrapped the baby in her own jacket because everyone else was busy. It covers what you saw and why it stays with you, what guidelines say you should have been told, how to support each other afterwards, where to get help, and when the law recognises your own injury.
Quick answer · updated November 2026
Watching a postpartum haemorrhage (PPH) can be traumatic for partners and family, sometimes more than for the woman, who may remember less. NSW guidelines say support people should be kept informed and offered a debrief. Partners can develop PTSD, anxiety or depression. Free help exists, and in some cases the law recognises a witness’s own psychiatric injury.
What partners and family go through
- 1In the roomHolding the baby, moved aside, no one explaining.
- 2The first nightWaiting outside theatre or ICU. Alone with a newborn.
- 3Going homeCarer, parent and the one who is “fine”.
- 4Months laterFlashbacks, fear, distance, or fear of another baby.
- 5Getting helpA debrief, support for you, and your own rights.
At any point: if you are having thoughts of harming yourself, or can’t cope, call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or MensLine on 1300 78 99 78. In an emergency, call 000.
The midwife put our daughter in my arms and said, “Can you take her over there?” So I did. Over there was the corner by the window. I stood there for an hour and ten minutes. I know because the clock was right in front of me.
I could see the bottom of the bed. I could see the floor. I watched the colour of the floor change. A doctor came in, and then another, and then a lot of people, and someone pushed a trolley past my legs and said “sorry mate” without looking up.
Nobody told me anything. I didn’t ask. I didn’t want to be in the way. I kept thinking: if she dies, I don’t know how to make a bottle. That’s the thought I had. Not something noble. I didn’t know how to make a bottle.
Afterwards everyone asked how she was. My mum, her mum, the people at work. I said she was doing really well. No one asked about the corner. I didn’t tell anyone about the corner for nearly two years.
A composite story, drawn from the experiences of many families I have worked with, combined and changed so that no one can be identified. It does not describe any individual client.
If you are the partner, the mum, the sister or the friend who was there, this article is for you. Your experience is often treated as a footnote to hers. You were “just” watching. But watching someone you love bleed while you hold your newborn, unable to help, not knowing whether she will live, is one of the most frightening things a person can go through. It can leave real psychological injury.
This article uses “partner” for husbands, wives and partners of any gender, and “family” for anyone else who was in the room. It is part of a series that starts with “I thought I was going to die”: postpartum haemorrhage, what happened and what you can do. If your partner’s birth was a caesarean, you may also find “I thought I was watching her die”: when your partner’s C-section traumatised you helpful.
Why I can write this
I have been a medical negligence lawyer since 2013 and have worked on many hundreds of claims, many involving birth, and partners are part of almost all of them. My doctorate studied patterns of failure in medical negligence. I am not medically qualified. Clinical and guideline information here comes from the NSW Health postpartum haemorrhage guideline and Mater’s patient information; research on fathers is cited below.
Start with your question
- “Why does it affect me more than her?” What you saw
- “Should someone have told me what was happening?” What you were owed
- “Is what I’m feeling PTSD?” Months later
- “How do I talk to her about it?” Talking to each other
- “Where can I get help as a dad or partner?” Support
- “Do I have any rights here?” How the law looks at it
What you saw, and why it stays
A haemorrhage often begins in the minutes after a joyful birth. One moment you are both looking at your baby; the next, a midwife is pressing hard on her abdomen, the bleeding won’t stop, an emergency call goes out, and the room fills. You may have been handed the baby and moved aside, or asked to leave altogether. You may have seen a lot of blood, heard words like “PPH” or “theatre”, and watched her go grey, shake, vomit or lose consciousness.
Mater’s patient information on PPH makes a point that surprises many families: because of shock, the mother’s memory of what happened is often limited, while support people are usually more affected, because they saw the whole thing. She may remember fragments. You may remember every minute.
A UK study of fathers who witnessed their partner’s birth trauma, “Be quiet and man up” (Daniels and colleagues, 2020), found recurring themes: feeling unprepared, because antenatal classes covered normal births; feeling like a passenger with no control; feeling ignored by staff, like a “spare wheel”; and feeling they had to stay silent and put their partner’s trauma first. Some described flashbacks and avoidance. Many said they received almost no support afterwards. Australian charities report the same: St John of God notes that birth trauma can also affect fathers and non-birthing partners.
What you were owed in the room
In a fast emergency, staff are focused, rightly, on stopping the bleeding. But NSW Health’s guideline doesn’t treat support people as an afterthought. Under its principles of care during a PPH:
- Witnessing a PPH can be traumatic for support persons, and frequent communication during the event, plus an offer to be included in a debrief afterwards, are actions that could minimise harm.
- The management plan should be discussed with the woman, and with her partner and family where appropriate.
- Care of the baby must be allocated to the most appropriate person or service.
The guideline also says NSW Health staff should offer women the chance to discuss their birth, including a formal debrief, and that family members or support persons must be offered inclusion in that discussion. Wellbeing and psychosocial support should be offered to families.
Definition
Debrief: a conversation, usually with a midwife or doctor, about what happened during the birth and why. NSW Health says it should happen at the earliest suitable time, ideally with a clinician who was involved, and may need to be repeated later.
In plain terms: you are entitled to be offered a chance to ask what happened, with her or separately. If no one offered, you can ask now. See how to ask for a birth debrief.
The first night, and the baby
When a mother goes to theatre or intensive care, the partner is often left alone with a baby hours old, in a postnatal ward, sometimes with no idea where she is. Babies may miss skin-to-skin contact and early feeding. An Australian study of women after significant PPH, by Thompson and colleagues (2010), found that greater blood loss was linked to longer delays before mother and baby first had contact.
If you held your baby skin to skin while she was in theatre, you did something that mattered. If a grandmother wrapped the baby in her own jacket because no one else was looking, she did too. Those moments are part of the story, and part of the bond.
Going home: carer, parent and the one who is “fine”
After a haemorrhage, the partner often becomes carer, parent and household manager at once, while the mother recovers from blood loss, anaemia and possibly surgery. Many partners return to work after a couple of weeks, at exactly the point she is most depleted. Everyone asks how she is. Few ask how you are.
It is common for partners to push their own reaction down, to be “the strong one”. That can work for a while. It often doesn’t work forever. Recovery for her is covered in “I lost over two litres”; this section is a reminder that you are allowed to need help too.
Months later: when it doesn’t fade
Signs it may be more than a bad memory
- Flashbacks or intrusive images of the room, the blood, the floor or the clock
- Nightmares, or waking in a panic
- Avoiding the hospital, the route there, or anything that reminds you
- Being constantly on alert, especially when she bleeds or feels unwell
- Feeling numb, detached from the baby, or irritable and angry
- Dreading another pregnancy, or avoiding intimacy because of it
If several of these have lasted more than a month: talk to a GP. Post-traumatic stress, anxiety and depression are treatable, and partners are eligible for help in their own right.
Common signs only. They are not a diagnosis. If you are struggling, a GP can assess you and refer you for support.
Australia’s men’s health body, Healthy Male, notes that around one in 10 dads experiences postnatal anxiety or depression, that many feel they have to be the family’s “rock”, and that effects can show up later. One example it gives is a dad who no longer wants another child.
Some partners find the fear surfaces when a second pregnancy is discussed. Many women in online forums say that their partner, not them, is the one who can’t face it again. If that is you, “Can it happen again?” explains the risks and the planning that can make another birth safer, and “I still wake up back in that room” covers PTSD after a PPH in more depth.
Talking to each other
Couples often protect each other by not talking about it. She may feel guilty that you were frightened, or confused that you are more upset than she is. You may feel you have no right to be struggling when she is the one who nearly died. Both of you may be holding pieces of the story the other doesn’t have.
Questions that can open the conversation
- “What do you remember? Can I tell you what I remember?”
- “Is there a part you want to know about, and a part you don’t?”
- “What was the worst moment for you?”
- “What would help you feel safer now?”
Going to a debrief together, or reading the records together, can help join the pieces up. Some couples find it easier with a counsellor in the room. The Gidget Foundation offers free sessions to expectant and new parents, and its birth trauma information explicitly includes partners.
What to look for in the records
Partners can often fill gaps in the mother’s memory, and the records can fill gaps in both. With her consent, you can read them together. My guide to getting and reading your birth records explains how to request them.
| Record | Why it matters to you |
|---|---|
| Midwifery notes during the emergency | Whether your presence was recorded (“partner present”), and whether anything was noted about explaining things to you. |
| Blood loss and medication records | The timeline of what you watched: how much blood, what was done, and when. |
| Emergency response records | When the call went out, who came, and how long it took. Often this matches the clock you were staring at. |
| Baby’s records | Who cared for your baby, when the first feed and skin-to-skin happened. |
| Operation, ICU and transfusion records | Where she was and what happened while you waited. |
| Debrief and social work notes | Whether you were offered a debrief or support. |
I’m her mum. I was there because she wanted me there, and I’m glad I was, because when it all happened, nobody was looking at the baby. They’d put her in the little plastic cot and she was crying and cold and the midwife had gone to help. So I took my cardigan off and wrapped her in it and held her against my chest. I remember thinking, I did this for her mother once, I can do it for her.
At the baby’s first birthday, a year later, I found my son-in-law out by the barbecue on his own while everyone sang inside. He said, “Do you remember the clock?” I said I didn’t, I’d been looking at the baby. He said he’d been looking at the clock the whole time. An hour and ten minutes.
And I realised I had never once asked him. We’d all asked about her. We’d all asked about the baby. Not one of us had asked the man in the corner.
We stood there for a long time. I told him about the cardigan. He told me about the bottle. He hadn’t told anyone that. A week later he rang a counsellor.
A composite story, drawn from the experiences of many families I have worked with, combined and changed so that no one can be identified. It does not describe any individual client.
How the law looks at it
Most of this article is about support, not law. But partners often ask whether the law sees them at all. It can, within strict limits.
Your own claim for psychiatric injury
Under Part 3 of the Civil Liability Act 2002 (NSW), as explained in the Supreme Court’s annotated Act, a person who suffers “pure mental harm” (psychiatric injury without physical injury) can only recover damages if several conditions are met.
Present or close family
You witnessed, at the scene, the victim being injured or put in peril, or you are a close member of her family.
In plain terms: you were there, or you are her close family.
A recognised illness
Your harm is a recognised psychiatric illness, such as PTSD or major depression, not grief or distress alone.
In plain terms: a diagnosis, usually from a psychiatrist or psychologist.
Normal fortitude
A person of normal fortitude might, in the circumstances, have suffered a recognised psychiatric illness if reasonable care wasn’t taken.
In plain terms: what you saw was the kind of thing that could seriously harm anyone.
A summary of sections 30 to 32 of the Civil Liability Act 2002 (NSW). Who counts as “close family” is defined in the Act; get advice for your situation.
On top of these conditions, the same core requirements apply as for the mother’s claim: the care must have fallen below the standard of competent practice (section 5O), and that failure must have caused the harm. The High Court in Tabet v Gett [2010] HCA 12 confirmed that losing only a chance of a better outcome isn’t enough. A partner’s claim does not depend on the haemorrhage itself being anyone’s fault; it depends on whether negligence caused or worsened what happened.
Information and consent
Under Rogers v Whitaker [1992] HCA 58, the duty to warn of material risks is owed to the patient. But NSW Health’s guideline expects partners and family to be communicated with during the event and offered a debrief. A failure to do that may be the subject of a complaint even where it doesn’t found a claim.
Time limits
A partner’s claim has its own time limit. In NSW it is generally three years from when the claim became discoverable, with a twelve-year outer limit. If your baby was also injured, their claim has separate rules and doesn’t always wait until they turn 18. See “Is it too late?” and medical negligence time limits in NSW.
If a mother dies after a haemorrhage, her family may also have claims under the Compensation to Relatives Act 1897 (NSW), as well as for their own psychiatric injury. These situations need individual, careful advice.
In my practice
When I take a first call about a haemorrhage, the woman often says something like, “It was worse for him.” And then, very often, he isn’t on the call. In the records, partners appear as two words: “partner present.” They are rarely mentioned again. The chain of small failures I studied in my doctorate shows up here too: no one tasked with talking to the partner during the emergency, no one checking on him on the postnatal ward, no debrief offered to him, no follow-up when he goes back to work. Each is a small gap. Together they leave someone holding the most frightening hour of his life alone, sometimes for years. When families come to me, I always ask to speak to the partner too.
Holding two truths
She went through it in her body. You went through it in front of your eyes. Both are real, and neither cancels the other. You can be grateful she survived and still be wounded by what you saw. You can be the one who “held it together” and still need someone to hold you.
The bigger picture
The NSW Parliament’s Birth Trauma inquiry heard from partners as well as mothers, and organisations such as the Prepare Foundation urged better preparation and support for fathers, including an online peer support group for men. NSW Health’s 2025 PPH guideline now explicitly recognises that witnessing a PPH can be traumatic for support persons. Research such as the 2020 study of fathers has found there is still very little formal support for partners after traumatic births. That is slowly changing, but for now, partners often have to ask for help themselves.
Support
- MensLine Australia: 1300 78 99 78. Free counselling, 24/7.
- SMS4dads: free text messages with support for new dads through the first year, developed at the University of Newcastle.
- PANDA National Helpline: 1300 726 306. For mums, dads and partners.
- Gidget Foundation Australia: 1300 851 758. Free psychological sessions for expectant and new parents.
- Birth Trauma Australia: peer support for mothers and partners.
- Lifeline: 13 11 14, 24 hours. In an emergency, call 000.
More options are in finding support after birth trauma in Australia. If people keep saying “at least your baby is healthy”, this article is for the whole family.
The man in the corner knows how to make a bottle now. He also knows the clock in that room was four minutes fast. He checked, at the debrief, when he finally went.
With care, Rosemary
Frequently asked questions
Can partners get PTSD from watching a postpartum haemorrhage?
Yes. Witnessing a partner’s life-threatening bleed can cause post-traumatic stress, anxiety or depression. Partners are often more affected than the mother, who may remember less.
Why does my partner remember the haemorrhage more than I do?
Shock and blood loss commonly affect the mother’s memory. Support people usually see everything, which is why they can be more distressed.
Should the hospital have told me what was happening?
NSW Health says frequent communication with support people during a PPH, and an offer of a debrief afterwards, can reduce harm. You can ask for a debrief now.
Can a husband or partner claim compensation for witnessing a traumatic birth?
Possibly, if they witnessed it or are close family, developed a recognised psychiatric illness, and negligence caused or worsened what happened. Strict rules and time limits apply.
Where can dads get support after a traumatic birth?
MensLine (1300 78 99 78), SMS4dads, PANDA (1300 726 306), the Gidget Foundation and Birth Trauma Australia all support fathers and partners.
How do we talk about the birth with each other?
Start by sharing what each of you remembers, and agreeing what you want to know. A debrief or counsellor can help fill gaps together.
Questions about what you witnessed?
When you’re ready, and not before, I can talk with you, and with her if she wishes, about what happened. A free case review means I listen to both of your stories, read the records, and tell you honestly what I see, with no obligation.
The series: After a postpartum haemorrhage
- “I Thought I Was Going to Die”: Postpartum Haemorrhage (PPH), What Happened and What You Can Do
- “Is It Too Late?” PPH: Time Limits and What a Claim Can Cover
- “Nobody Ever Told Me Why”: Why Did I Bleed So Much?
- “Their Arm Was Inside Me and No One Explained”: What Happens During a PPH
- “I Lost Over Two Litres”: Recovery, Anaemia and Milk Supply After a PPH
- “I Passed a Clot the Size of a Golf Ball”: Secondary PPH and Retained Placenta
- “I Kept Telling Them Something Was Wrong”: When PPH Care Falls Short
- “He Was Left Holding Our Baby in the Corner”: When Your Family Saw the Haemorrhage (you are here)
- “I Still Wake Up Back in That Room”: PTSD After a PPH
- “Can It Happen Again?” Pregnancy and Birth After a PPH
- “They Had to Take My Uterus”: Emergency Hysterectomy After Birth
This series is part of my work on birth trauma and obstetric negligence. If your partner can’t remember the birth, see I don’t remember my baby’s birth.
References
- NSW Health. Postpartum Haemorrhage, Guideline GL2025_013, sections 2.3, 5.1 and 7.2. August 2025.
- Mater. Postpartum haemorrhage: patient information.
- Daniels E, Arden-Close E, Mayers A. Be quiet and man up: a qualitative questionnaire study into fathers who witnessed their partner’s birth trauma. BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth 2020;20:236. (UK study.)
- Healthy Male. The impact of birth trauma on dads.
- Thompson JF et al. Women’s breastfeeding experiences following a significant primary postpartum haemorrhage. International Breastfeeding Journal 2010;5:5.
- St John of God Health Care. Shining a light on birth trauma. 2024.
- Prepare Foundation. Submission 1051 to the NSW Inquiry into Birth Trauma.
- NSW Legislative Council Select Committee on Birth Trauma. Birth trauma, Report 1. May 2024.
- Civil Liability Act 2002 (NSW), ss 5O, 30–32.
- Supreme Court of NSW. Annotated Civil Liability Act: Part 3, Mental harm.
- Tabet v Gett [2010] HCA 12.
- Rogers v Whitaker [1992] HCA 58; (1992) 175 CLR 479.
A composite story, drawn from the experiences of many families I have worked with, combined and changed so that no one can be identified. It does not describe any individual client.
